My boys weren't breastfed, and they turned out OK

When I was growing up, I had these visions in my mind of how I would raise my children. I imagined dressing them in cute little outfits, wearing cloth nappies... and breastfeeding. I went into Motherhood under the false pretence that it would be easy. That it was natural and thus came naturally. Most of it did, except breastfeeding.

I also assumed that being, ahem, rather ample in that area that it would also mean that they'd be nice and full. Almost as if my cup would runneth over.

And they didn't. Not even close.

I was 23 when I had Logan. I was the first within my circle of friends to have a child, and the first amongst my cousins and immediate family - so when it came to asking questions, or receiving advice I was lost. And I struggled to find my place, and what I wanted amongst it all.

I tried and failed miserably to breastfeed him. And at about 5-weeks of age, and after spending the couple of weeks prior to that feeding, dealing with the agony of cracked nipples et al, I caved and gave up. I couldn't do it anymore, it was affecting every aspect of my life and I was failing all of it.

Ryder was born 5.5 years later - and when it came to having him I had remnants of guilt from my first child. I didn't want to fail, and I felt that I gave up far too easily. So I pushed myself - from the moment I knew I was pregnant I put myself under this enormous pressure to breastfeed. And muchlike his brother I just couldn't, there was nothing there, no milk.

I tried everything: the biscuits, the vitamins, the prescriptions, expressing... OMG I expressed like you wouldn't believe. If he wasn't attached to my boob, it was attached to the breast pump. I was exhausted. And at 5-weeks, the same time I 'quit' with his brother, I too admitted defeat and put my boy onto formula. (the photo above is the photo I took of Ryder on his 'last ever' breastfeed. I was an emotional wreck)

And then I blamed my breasts for ruining the bond I had with my children.

It's not been til now, when both of my children are that little bit older, and incredibly healthy, that I've been able to 'let go' of this guilt. There would have been no way I could have kept up with their demands - I have two very hungry boys, and they were very hungry from the moment they entered the world.

I would have loved to have been one of those mothers out there feeding their children, but I was one of those other mothers that bottle fed, and got those same 'judging eyes' for a different reason. And being the relatively polite person I am, when asked why I was bottle feeding and not breast, I'd let them know that it wasn't by choice... I would have done things differently if I had any control over it. Alas I didn't.

So from a non-breastfeeding mama, to all those beautiful breastfeeding mamas out there, I say more power to you. Feed your bubba, whereever, whenever and be proud that you can. Because you can. And because for a completely natural thing in our own bodies, it's bloody hard.